DEALING WITH THE LOSS OF A CHILD - It's hard to believe that in a few months the Committee for Missing Children will be starting its eighth year of helping parents find their missing children. I want to emphasize the part about helping parents find their children, because that is what the Committee for Missing Children is all about. We are an advocacy group for parents. We help them get the information they need. We go to bat for them when no one else will. We distribute their children's pictures whereever we can. We work with other non-profit child-find groups to get the widest possible distribution of a child's picture. We have our own photo partners who have placed into the schools over 700,000,000 images of missing children since 1991.
- Our large posters, printed by The Press of Ohio, are distributed by Child Quest International, 3-Children, The New York State Clearinghouse, The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and parents of internationally abducted children. The posters we do for the parents of internationally kidnapped children were recently used at a rally in Washington DC. Throughout this article you will see pictures taken at the rally. I want you to take a close look at the pictures. These are pictures of parents and grandparents who have lost contact with their children and grandchildren. They have come to Washington out of desperation. They have come to talk to their elected officials and to get answers to unanswered questions. They have come to visit with the State Department officials who handle their cases. They have come to protest at the embassy of the countries that hold their children.
- The pictures in this article may be of parents of internationally abducted children, however, they could easily be parents of children abducted right here in our country. As best I can figure, there are between 6000 and 8000 children still missing at the end of each year in the United States. These are the hard core cases, these are the kids we look for. The pain these parents feel is no less than that of any other parent.
- How do parents cope with the loss of a child? What motivates them to go on each day? What are they willing to sacrifice in order to get their child or children back?
- Over the years I have spoken with a lot of parents and I can tell you when it comes to sacrifice there is no limit. I have known parents who have lost their homes because the rent or mortgage money was needed to find their children. There are many parents who turn to private investigators, only to get little if any results. This is not to say that private investigators are not helpful, they are, however if the investigation takes to long, the costs start to rise and soon the money is gone. I know of one case where a private investigator billed a family $25,000.00 and never produced the first helpful lead. The problem is that when a family becomes vulnerable they are easy prey for the unscrupulous and this of course hurts the people and organizations that do care and want to help. Savings and any retirements are used up fast if the child is missing for any length of time.
- In addition to monetary sacrifices, there are psychological scars as well. The parents of a kidnapped child may handle the abduction in different ways. Divorce and separation may be an unwanted result. Children being used by one parent to get back at the other in a family abduction is placing tremendous pressure on the children. In addition to a life of hiding and deception, the children are forced to chose between one parent or the other. The parent who has the children can manipulate the children into thinking that the other parent has abandoned them or that they are dead. The longer the children remain missing the harder it will be for the children to adapt to the left behind parent once the children are found and returned. Life for the children and the left behind parent may never be the same.
- Many of the parents we work with are parents of runaways. I have always believed that a child runs a way for a reason. It may be a selfish reason, such as getting mad because your parents may not let you stay out as late as your friends. Or it could be a serious reason, such as child abuse. Whatever the reason, young children should not be on the streets. Unfortunately, our society and our law enforcement agencies look at runaways as spoiled kids and do not really accept the fact that this is a serious problem. Last year I spoke to the mother of a 15 year old girl who had run a way. The mother had set some strict rules and the child rebelled. Most of us with grown children know what this mother was trying to do. The mother saw what was going on all around her child and wanted to protect her . The child, like so many young kids could only see restrictions she thought were excessive. The teenager could not see the potential dangers. This story had a happy ending, but not before the mother went through many sleepless nights and self doubt. Many stories do not end on a happy note. There are kids that run a way that are never heard from again. The parents spend the rest of their lives wondering and waiting.
- If you ask a parent how they can go on day after day they will tell you its the search that keeps them going. This is why working with parents is so important. They need to feel part of the process. Our approach has been to involve the parents as much as possible. We tell parents, especially those involved with family abductions or run a ways, that they should plan to look for their own children. We tell them to use every resource available to them but don't leave the search for their children entirely to others. There are a lot of good organizations that will assist parents of missing children. There are many caring police officers who will assist. There are government agencies that have been given the responsibility of missing children. However the bottom line is - Is the process working, are the parents getting the help they need?
- One of my major objections has been those organizations and government agencies that refuse to share information about missing children by claming the information is confidential. They say that the information can not be released because of privacy acts. I have never had a parent ask me not to distribute their child's picture. In fact, parents are surprised when they find out that there are so many non-profit child-find groups that are willing to help them. We hide information that will aid parents in the search for their children. This problem of confidentially can be easily solved by having each child-find group and government agency ask the parents if they want their address and phone number passed on to other groups.
- This makes sense, because it gives the ultimate decision of who helps the parents to the very parents asking for help. The Committee for Missing Children will be putting out a newsletter in the coming months. The newsletter, which will be geared toward parents of missing children, has been put on hold because we have not been able to build up a large enough mailing list. Nobody wants to share their mailing list even though the objective is to communicate with parents and pass on needed information about who's out there willing to help. Our objective is to inform the parents about any and all resourcesavailable to them. How can this be a bad thing?
- In the last seven years I have talked to parents who have cried so much that you would think there would be no tears left. I have talked to parents who have talked of suicide. I have seen first hand the financial and emotional loss associated with a missing child. I have seen children found and I have seen children die. I have read diaries written by parents who feel they may never see their children again. I have listened to the pain they feel and the loss they fear. I have had parents ask me the question why is this happening. It is this single question that motivates me to keep going because I do not have the answer. Parents in this country deserve an answer to this question. How can we move armies across the world but we can not get an American child back from Saudi Arabia, Syria, or Mexico. How can our elected officials justify the kidnapping of an American child in order to protect our need for oil or another military base? Why do we accept any form of kidnapping of children, either by a stranger or another parent? Until these questions can be answered, The Committee for Missing Children will continue to look for the answers. We will remain dedicated to all parents who look for their lost children. To do any less would be to deny who we are.
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